Scientologophobia Watch: The French

May 27, 2009 at 7:01 am (cults, Max Dunbar, religion, scientology)

This is a second guest post by the Church of Scientology UK Media Relations Team

You will all remember that since the UK Crown Prosecution Service gave our Church the same legal protection as mainstream religions, the Church of Scientology has been able to set up ‘Scientologophobia Watch,’ a lively interactive web forum on which people who insult our religion can be named, shamed and Fair Gamed.

Now, via the Scientologophobic website Butterflies and Wheels (yes, Ophelia, we’ll get to you in time!) the Church has discovered the biggest Scientologophobes of all – the nation of France. The BBC reports that: ‘The Church of Scientology has gone on trial in the French capital, Paris, accused of organised fraud.’

Worse, Scientology isn’t even recognised as a proper religion in that evil country. If the Frenchies win this could mean that the Church could be banned in France.

This is the prosecution’s wafer-thin case:

The case centres on a complaint by a woman who says she was pressured into paying large sums of money after being offered a free personality test.

The church, which is fighting the charges, denies that any mental manipulation took place.

France regards Scientology as a sect, not a religion, and the organisation could be banned if it loses the case.

It is the first time the church has appeared as a defendant in a fraud case in France. Previous court cases have involved individual Scientologists.

The woman at the centre of this case says she was approached by church members in Paris more than 10 years ago, and offered a free personality test. But, she says, she ended up spending 21,000 euros ($29,400, £18,400) on lessons, books and medicines she was told would cure her poor mental state.

Her lawyers are arguing that the church systematically seeks to make money by means of mental pressure and the use of scientifically dubious ‘cures’.

A lawyer for the church, Patrick Maisonneuve, said: ‘We will contest every charge and prove that there was no mental manipulation.’

The church’s spokeswoman in France said it was being ‘hounded’ by the French courts and that its members were facing persecution.

€21,000 is indeed a ridiculous amount – that wouldn’t even get you five minutes on the e-meter in these troubled economic times. If you think eighteen grand is steep, you should see the amount Tom Cruise has shelled out over the years.

And it’s worth it! Like all non-Scientologists, this woman will have been infested by the souls of aliens that were murdered by the evil galactic overlord Xenu. I mean, does she think we can just wave a magic wand and make the body thetans go away? Dream your little dream, baby! It takes years of auditing to reach the status of ‘operating thetan’.

All true believers know that you cannot find salvation in the blink of an eye. The religious journey is long and arduous. It can’t be done in a single step – whether you are a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist or a Jew, the quest takes time, integrity, effort, sacrifice, patience and duty (and loads of money if you’re a Scientologist!)

And religions don’t reveal their secrets to just anyone. It’s widely known that you need to be at least an Arch-Deacon to learn the story of Christ’s resurrection, and that only imams with twenty years’ service are allowed a copy of the Quran.

It is all too clear that Premier Sarkozy has formed an unholy alliance with the warlord Xenu and has made at least two diplomatic visits to his mountain prison in Quadrant 9. Together France and Xenu’s empire are engaged into a militant secularist crusade against religious freedom.

But don’t worry, we at Scientologophobia Watch are fighting back. We have already succeeded in persuading the UK government to rename French Fries ‘Xenu Fries’. French mustard is now known throughout Britain as ‘Xenu Mustard’. And all future DVD releases of the classic film The French Connection will now carry the motion picture’s real title: The Xenu Connection.

But that’s not all – we’ve followed up with a major poster campaign to show the world who really runs France.


The famous tricolore flag of France. Squint carefully and you will see the eight-armed trident of Xenu’s imperial federation.


The Eiffel Tower. Or to call it by its REAL name… the XENU TOWER!!!


French people eat frogs every single day. Xenu is known to have descended from the Frog People of Alpha Centauri.  COINCIDENCE?!?

But that’s not enough – if we are going to win the battle against religious persecution we need YOUR help.

What we need you to do is to contact your MP and urge them to lobby for a nuclear first strike on France. It only takes five minutes and there are standard email templates available on the Scientologophobia Watch website. We need YOU to do this because the Church of Scientology doesn’t have an independent nuclear capability of its own (yet!) 

With a Trident missile pointed at their asses the French will soon have to recognise Scientology as a religion or be annihilated! (Although let’s face it, a nation that doesn’t recognise Scientology isn’t worth living in anyway!!!)

Make no mistake – the entire population of France is Fair Game. We can win this fight – but we can only do it with YOUR HELP.



(end communication)


  1. entdinglichung said,

    it may be that the Church of Scientology doesn’t have an independent nuclear capability of its own (yet!) … but according to their teaching, some of their “operating Thetans” are immune to radioactivity 😉

  2. Church of Scientology said,

    Yes some of us advanced Scientologists (including Tom and Katie) have developed an immunity to radiation that will be helpful in the event that France retaliates with a nuclear strike of its own.

  3. entdinglichung said,

    yes … Tom Cruise clearly demonstrated this immunity in War of the Worlds

  4. Church of Scientology said,

    I was a consultant on that movie!

  5. Andrew Coates said,

    Comrade Andy Newman has led the way in defending the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s nuclear arms. No doubt the imperialist secular ‘left’ will deny the progressive Xenu-led forces of Scientology their right to pulverise Paris, and nuke Nanterre.

    While we give unconditonal support to their actions, goaded by the Scientologophobic attacks of the French so-called State, this in no way indicates that we endorse every single aspect of personality testing. Though we will not make a shibbolith out of money! Or Kistey Alley’s weght!

  6. entdinglichung said,

    what about the rights of Scientologists in North Korea (or Saudi-Arabia)?

  7. Church of Scientology said,

    We’re still trying to get affiliation to the STWC.

    It’s not quite finalised yet although Kate Hudson is very keen.


    We could probably buy North Korea if we wanted to! Don’t worry, all non-Scientologocracies will be dealt with in time.

  8. Red Maria said,

    I just saw Voltaire’s Priest on the telly.

    Along with two other bloggers he was being quizzed about the European elections by the impossibly chic Zeinab Badawi.

  9. luke said,

    Where is the outcry from the pro-faith left about the meanie French state and scientologophobic “pro-war” intellectuals trying to force their racist western secular values on a discriminated and marginalized cult? At least during the head dress controversy the state didn’t consider banning Islam, where is the outrage?

  10. Rosie said,

    Red Maria – is that BBC 4 then?

  11. Church of Scientology said,


    This goes to show that, while the antiwar left is happy to defend Muslims from Islamophobic racism, it won’t defend Scientologists from Gallic Scientologophobic racism.

    As you say – why the double standard?

  12. Red Maria said,


    Yes, it was on BBC 4 world news at about 7.10pm. Catch it on iPlayer.

  13. Rosie said,

    It’s no longer available, sadly. However, surely VP video’d it and can put it on YouTube. Did you and will you VP? For the Zeinab Badawi fans among us?

  14. voltairespriest said,

    Me dad video’d it, apparently. I shall see what his recording and video transfer stuff will bear. Actually it was quite good fun – especially as I got one of those cool ear-piece and radio mike combos, and (Denham assures me) was able to loom over Zeinab’s shoulder throughout the whole affair whilst exhibiting my Brummie tan!

  15. Red Maria said,

    Took a look at Yvette Doll’s contributions on the earlier thread. Not nearly as bonkers as you made out.

  16. Anonymous said,

    I hate scientology, it is a bogus religion that destroys lives and makes scientologists poor. How can you like Scientology?

  17. voltairespriest said,

    Read it again, Anon.

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